Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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