Your mouth is God's brothel.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
