I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
