you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
