I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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