My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
