Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
