I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
