I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
