I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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