then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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