a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
