did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
