weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
