and my herpes radar will keep us safe
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
