If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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