So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im six kinds of drunk right now
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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