I'm so fucking centered right now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
