this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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