so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
