as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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