seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
