I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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