Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
