um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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