I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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