I just gift wrapped bread.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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