All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
