Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
