Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
