You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
