mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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