Umm I'm too high to move.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
