The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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