just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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