My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
