I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
