So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Farmville is her only friend.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
