She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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