I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
