im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
