sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
