My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
there is puke in my bra ... again
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
