A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize