i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
how drunk are you?
Several
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
