my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
