Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
