is your mom at the bar?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
