someone threw a dead crab at me
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
