I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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