dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
